You Don’t Have Toxic Relationships

Ever since Britney surprised us with her hit “Toxic”, we love to use this adjective to describe any kind of pattern in our relationships that brings us headaches and takes away from our peace of mind. However, relationships are bonds created between humans who establish a connection, and they are impacted by their specific context: the social norms and expectations of that connection, each person’s specific background and experiences, and the role we play in the relationship. In short, relationships are nuanced and the term “toxic” doesn’t allow for these shades to come to the surface.

In my clinical practice I reframe all behaviours in terms of safety and survival thanks to the knowledge provided by Attachment Theory, which is slowly making its way into pop culture. We have all heard about anxious attachment and avoidant people, but what does this mean? Are people with anxious tendencies just clingy? Are those showing avoidant strategies just assholes? The reality is we all show mechanisms of anxiety and avoidance in our relationships, which are strategies we learned to cope with emotional distress rather than boxes we fit into like being a gossip Gemini or a cheating Sagittarius.

People with a tendency to experience anxiety in relationships may experience fear of abandonment that translates into needing constant reassurance from their loved ones (friends or partners). Many of them know their partners love them, but that’s not what they feel. It’s almost a dissonance between mind and body. Research shows adults who struggle with more anxious tendencies probably had parents or caregivers who were not reliable in their presence and affection. As children they learned their caregivers sometimes were physically present and attuned to their emotional state, but other times they weren’t. This lack of consistency makes the child learn the narrative that love and affection is not reliable, which causes them to need constant reassurance in their relationships as adults. This looks like jealousy, clinginess, picking-up fights, conflict-makeup cycles, etc.

On the contrary, people whose strategies are more avoidant portray a façade of individuality and independence that may conceal a deep hidden feeling of loneliness and lack of connection. They usually see no issue with their relationships because they feel more safe staying on the surface. According to research, most adults with avoidant tendencies learned to regulate their emotions on their own at a young age, either because their parents or caregivers weren’t physically present or they weren’t attuned to their needs. Sometimes one or both of their caregivers were emotionally immature and weren’t able to regulate their own emotions, which allowed no space for the child to express their own. Other times, their caregivers were simply very busy or absent due to work or family responsibilities, and the child learned to self-regulate. Eventually, as adults, these children get overwhelmed with connection with others and need space and time to self-regulate before engaging emotionally with others. This looks like over-independence, conflict avoidance, tendency to go silent when upset, lack of interest for sexual intimacy, constant fantasizing or dissociating, etc.

Although these strategies are learned at a young age, there’s a lot we can do to address them and improve our relationships and our experience. First of all, understanding our reactions and where they come from can help us accept them and see them as a strength. My goal is never to point fingers or place blame on our caregivers, but rather spark some self-compassion and acceptance. Once these triggers are identified, we can work with them and find ways to tend to our wounds. If needed, we can also share our experiences and findings with our friends, family, or partners so they can also be more mindful of our needs and boundaries. By expressing them assertively, we can improve our communication and our connection to others, and invite them to explore their own wounds and share them with us so we can also understand their reactions in their own specific context.

After learning this, are you sure your relationships are toxic? From my perspective, you’re probably struggling with Attachment needs you haven’t understood yet. Sometimes we can get into negative cycles with our friends or partners because our needs aren’t met and their actions trigger a core reaction in ourselves. Rather than dismissing this cycle as toxic, I advocate for understanding the hidden emotions lying behind the content of the cycle so we can tend to those emotions and find the core need they conceal. Your relationships aren’t toxic -you’re just trying to survive.

I invite you to reflect on your own relationships. Do you think you’re more anxious or avoidant? Do you see a difference in your behaviours between your friendships and romantic partnerships? What can you do today to improve your relationships?